I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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