I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.
Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?
Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Randomize
