Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
