my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
I am a bad person
You slept with him. Was it good?
I wasnt going to but I was too lazy to blow up the air mattress
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
