I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
