Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
It was bitter sweet because I woke him up with sex but then I peed in his bed with him in it
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
