I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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