I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Come see our sink grown plant.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
