Don't make out with my wife yet
dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
They threw me out of the bar because I was arguing business ethics with the owner of th bar
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
