so i was creeping on him today and there was like nothing new except he became a fan of getting dome
i wish i could be like. "i like giving dome, lets be friends"
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Randomize
