I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
