life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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