I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I'm gonna fight the coyote
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
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