Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
