God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
