I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
We are gunna have the best winter break smoking weed and eating ham
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
