we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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