Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
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