the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
She is still drunk from the night before, sitting here eating KFC mashed potatoes and drinking Arbor Mist before Anatomy lab.
there is glitter all over my balls
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Randomize
