the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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