just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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