The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
This is the perfect outfit to do ketamine in, I must say
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
