I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
