i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
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