Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I was thrusting to the beat of Felix Navidad..
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
