You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
Randomize
