When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
Four minutes until I can fart!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
