update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
This means I've slept with 2 ppl that live in vans...my life is complete
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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