discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
