TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
