There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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