Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
so we told my parents we were going trick or treating. got high as shit at some playground. and then bought our own candy so we looked legit when we got home.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Everything about him screamed your future.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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