her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
