just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Randomize
