I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
