Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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