i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I think you should just bang him and get it out of your system.
That's what you say about everyone.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Randomize
