The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
I just found a bag of teeth...
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
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