My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
