On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Tell Chris I said sorry for yelling "It's my vagina, let me do what I want with it!" at the party last night.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
