Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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