I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
This is what I get for listening to Christians.
Randomize
