Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
i miss vodka and anonymity. college is so rich in both. in college we are a many armed creature, lubricated with beer and sex.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
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