He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Like not to be gross, he was eating me out while I was smoking a bowl. It was like a rap video
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
