She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
