Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
I fill condoms, not promises.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
My drunk ass is being chauffeured around like the damn queen of England
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
