im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
i decided i'll just settle for a gay guy who can manage to fuck me like the straight guys do. but here i go again, talking about my dream man.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Someone came in the potted fern
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Randomize
