i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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