My professor is talking about sperm and all I can think about is my mouth
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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