fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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